I Survived The Parallel Welcome Sequence Mug

What? You want a REWARD for 'surviving' my ingeniously crafted, awe-inspiring, Reddit-ban-worthy Parallel Welcome Sequence™??

Fine, {first_name_fix!).

You get a mug.

Even though I SAVED you from malicious goo-roos. I STOPPED you from becoming a desperate copy hamster. I KIDNAPPED you---wait. Ahem.

Regardless, you should be paying ME.

On second thought...